Wednesday March 4th

On Wednesday morning I eagerly went to the doctor to do a blood pregnancy test. I was a little doubtful as I wasn't feeling any symptoms of being pregnant, and the hormone injection symptoms that mock pregnancy were wearing off. I was trying my best to be hopeful. We were originally told that we would not see the results of this first pregnancy test, but my nurse said she would call and tell me if I wanted to know. OF COURSE I DID! I was super excited, because then I could really surprise Jason if it was positive. After the lab I ran around shopping waiting for the call. Then the nurse called and said, "I am sorry Krystal. The numbers aren't good at all. I don't think you are pregnant. Again, I am so sorry." I was stunned. Home alone now, I fell to the floor and let my emotions go. I could not believe that it didn't work. I wondered if it would ever work. I cried out to God asking him..."why God? What is your plan in this. This is more than I can handle Lord." I spent the rest of the day on the couch trying to imagine how I can pick myself up and do this all over again. Ug! I didn't want to do this again. I questioned if we were just meant to adopt or if we would remain a childless couple. I asked God to show me something. Give me direction. Tell me what I was to do before he would answer our prayers for a child. Nothing...

By Thursday I was feeling better or perhaps I was just trying to avoid feeling. I looked at the pictures of our embryo babies on the frig and I was tempted to throw the pictures away. I decided not to. I chose to hang on to the small hope that they may still have a chance. I absorbed myself in work and booked several business trips for the month. I had moderate menstrual cramps that night, and I thought to myself, "well I might as well get my period over with". But I didn't get my period. I didn't really want to set my alarm to get up early again to drive to the doctor for the final pregnancy test, but I did it anyways.