Boredem is never good

So I have reached a different phase of this infertility journey lately. We have taken a 6 month break after doing clomid/injections/insem/surgery. We are waiting for the next step. I am way too bored with life and therefore I have way to much time to think. We are waiting for a foster care placement. It is a slow year. I need kids around the house to fill my mothering hole and to keep me busy. We had two adorable children this weekend for respite care. The best behaved kids we have ever had. I just wish they could have stayed longer. My job is adequate and consumes most of my day. However it is the late afternoons and evenings that bother me. The TV begins to drive me crazy and the hours in front of it depress me. The 20 degree weather keeps me confined to my home. The drive to the gym is a goal but I just can't seem to get there. Jason seems comfortable in front of the TV and touring facebook. However it is all begining to feel very empty to me. I need to fill up my busy plate in order to fill the emptiness. Last night we drove to Borders to pick up some books on Adoption. This is a new topic to us that I decided I need to start thinking about. We were recently called with a possible, long-shot foster care placement that would be a potential adoption. I took a leap and said that we would be interested. Jason was hessitant, but didn't say no. I have read that men tend to be more hessitant with adoption than women. This leads me to wonder if we need counseling on the issue. I bought him a book written by a mans perspective of infertility and adoption. He seems to be engaged. I guess we have more time to hash it out, because today they called to say that the kids would be staying with their bio parents. We have stopped looking for financing for in-vitro. WE have excellent credit and a good income but with the credit crisis we are out of luck. The last credit company told us that they aren't financing any unnecessary medical treatments. It isn't like I am looking for surgical inhancments. I just want the oportunity to be a parent. I wonder how this credit crunch will effect the fertility business. I just hope it all turns around before I am too old! Christmas is just around the corner, and I am reminded that three christmas's ago we thought we would be announcing a pregnancy. Little did we know it would take so long. I think that if we would have gotten pregnant that first christmas we would have a 1 1/2 year old child running around the christmas tree. Heck, we probably would have been planning for the second child already. Sorry this blog is so down. I am not always this way, but today is one of those days.

reflecting on Sept 2006

In the last few days before my dear grandfathers death he prayed a prayer over each member of his family. When he came to Jason and I he prayed saying, "may their quiver be full". Psalms 127 says, "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hands. How happy is the man whose quiver is full of them!" In the days my grandfather spoke these words he was closer to Jesus than I have ever been. He was making his way to Jesus. Transitioning from the life he had known to his eternal life with Christ. To me Papa's prayer was not one to take lightly. When we walked into our home after my Papa's funeral we decided it was time to "make our quiver full" and have our first child. Today I am still believing in my grandfather's prayer. Little did I know it would take so long. My faith hasn't been perfect, but without God I would have given up. He is my rock and fortress in our time of trial. I have decided to start recording my thoughts, struggles and prayers on this blog. It was not without great struggle to decide to expose our heartaches and joys on this blog. Below is a video that reflects on the life of my beloved Papa.