Critical Review of my Thesis

So yesterday I picked up my spiral bound thesis project from the Bethel print center. 1 1/2 years of work to produce this final project that brought finality to my masters education. I selected the topic of "Effective Support for Families with Issues of Infertility: What can Nursing Do". This was a difficult decision to make, but at the time I was convinced that before long I would be pregnant and that this would be a nice gift to give back to the infertility community. Ha! I laugh at that now. I thought that at least by the time I presented my research symposium poster in May of 2008 I would be sporting a cute prego bulg and reflecting on the difficulties of infertility. However that wasn't the case. Instead, I stood next to my poster with a t-shirt that read "I will be a mother". I had to make a faith statement to get me through that day. My poster tied for first place and took second place based on a bias tiebreaker judge (a male that looked at my poster for 2 seconds). Oh well. That May I thought for sure I would be pregnant by the time I completed my research. Instead, here I am done with the research, but not done with my infertility. I know there is a greater purpose for my research, and I wonder if I would have been as dedicated if I had become pregant. I think if I was preganant I would have wanted to disown the topic of infertility as a fragment of my past. I also think that by going through almost all infertility treatments I now have a better understanding of what infertile patients go through. My hardships were very different when I was at the OB office taking Clomid and having surgery to check for endometriosis. My stress and support resources changed again when I went to my RE for shots and inseminations. That time was when I felt the biggests highs and lows. I went through different stresses when we took a break and contemplated IVF or adoption. I probably hit the lowest point early this winter when I realized the time, money, and physical commitments it would take to undergo IVF. Now, I am experiencing a sense of peace, and I am not worried about the outcome of IVF. Each one of these phases of infertility taught me something very different about myself and my relationship with Jason.

My thesis advisor has encouraged me to publish my research. It sounds like a lot of work, but I really should. I will begin looking for a journal to publish in soon. For the most part my research focuses on the role of social support networks for the infertile family, and the role of the nurse in fostering these support networks. My research encourages nurses to provide support from the begining (in the OBGYN office) instead of waiting until IVF proceedures (when they mandate a psych eval). I remembered how difficult it was sitting in those OBGYN offices with pregnant women, newborns, and a stack of the latest baby magazines. Then talking to the nurse/doctor about my infertily. Nobody asked me how I was handling this delay in pregnancy, and no support resources were offered to me. This is something that could easily be changed and would require little money. I also remember when I was in the RE office after getting my period. We had failed another insemination. I had an ultra sound to see if I had developed cysts on my ovaries. Immediately I saw the cyst on the ultrasound. I knew that big ovaries with cysts meant taking a month off. My nurse looked at me and said, "you know the drill. Do you want pills or the nuvaring (birth control options)." It was probably the worst thing she could have said, because you never get use to the "drill". I cried alone in the car that day. I am hoping that by publishing my research infertile patients will be able to receive better support throughout their treatment process from family, friends, doctors, nurses, and community members.

Let the Games Begin!!!!!

Today is day two of my IVF protocol. I now take the Lupron shot in the morning along with a prenatal vitamin and a baby asprin. At night I take a birth control pill and a decadron. I haven't noticed any side effects yet. I was told that the combination of Lupron and birth control would make me menopausal. So far so good! Praise God!

I am getting ready to travel to Orlando for work next week. I am excited to have to opportunity to go to a sunny place and to stay very busy until my next doctors appointment. I have been very dedicated lately to working out and eating right. I want my body to be ready for pregnancy. I have done this before in preparation for pregnancy, but then gave up when I realized it wasn't helping. So with the combination of hormones, emotional rollercoasters, a new sedentary job, the holidays, fertility diets (which consist of high fat dairy!), and "not caring because I will be pregnant soon anyways", I have managed to tack on a few extra pounds over the last couple years. It is time to get serious! For the last 3 weeks I have been going to the gym religiously and eating better. I hired a trainer, but he looked a little nervous when I mentioned IVF and possible high risk pregnancy. However, he said he was up for the challenge. I have regained my motivation. However, I am slightly afraid that it wasn't soon enough. Honestly, I need another month to get to the place I need to be. Oh well. At least I am getting into a routine now so that I can maintain a healthy lifestyle during my future pregnancy. When I start the Follistim on 2/6 I will have to cut back on the strenuous exercise and stick to walking on the treadmill. The last time I was on follistim I ran to my car to escape the freezing cold, and I felt my ovaries bouncing around inside of me. I told my RE and he scolled me and sentanced me to no more than a slow paced walk for 2 weeks. I learned then that when the ovaries are that big (the size of twinkies) they could rupture under stress. Yikes!

Anyway, our foster child A***** is doing very well. She is starting to say so many words and funny sayings. She is eating constantly and sleeping more. I think this means she is in a growth spurt. She loves to eat ice cream every night before bed. When I get home from work she meets me at the steps and then says "clothes, mommy?". Then she leads me to my room and helps me pick out some cozy clothes to wear. When I put her to bed I sing "twinkle, twinkle, little star, Jesus Loves Me, and If Your Happy and YOu know It." Every night she pulls her pacifier out of her mouth and says, "sing, mommy, sing". It is so sweet. She has even started to sing along with me. Although she says "Chesse" instead of "Jesus". Her favorite song is "If Your Happy and You know It", because she loves the actions. SHe has stopped crying and crawling out of her be for awhile now, and never wakes up in the middle of the night. I think the bedtime bonding routine was the trick!

Tomorrow I will be getting my hair done. It is time to take out my extensions, and cut my hair off. I decided it is time to return to a mommy haircut (short, cute, and easy).

God's plan: he provides reassurance

Today I received the best call! I was on my way home from singing in the choir. During choir pastor (uncle) Tim prayed that we would make the lyrics real in our life. "all my ambitions and all my plans, I surrender to you". Tim said, "we can make plans and design our future, and they can be good things. But they may not be God's plan and future." I do believe in Gods plan in my life, and I have been thinking alot about our future. We had it all planned out, but we have been on hold for quite sometime now. However, in the mean time I try to believe we are living out God's bigger and better plan. That plan includes being foster parents. Last year we had two children (age 2 and 4) that lived with us for 2 1/2 months. I connected with them more than any other children we have had. I even had the opportunity to visit them a few times after they left to live with their Grandmother. I loved these children. I was not suprised that when they went to live with their mother I did not hear from them any more. I don't blame her. It is only human to want to be the only mother to her children. Lately I have been wondering if I make a difference as a foster parent. I have been wondering if any day now I will get a call to take the children back, because their mother has relapsed into drugs again. I have missed them. I wondered if they missed me. So on the way home from choir I received an unknown phone call. I person answered with a childish girl voice and asked for Jason. I thought it was some wierd prank or telamarketer. Then it clicked. It was Jaycee! I had almost hung up on her. When I realized it was her I said, "Jaycee is that you? It's Krystal" She asked, "You remember me?" I replied, "Of course I do. I miss you, and I think about you all the time. " We talked about her new apartment, and her fish that died. She was excited for kindergarten next year, and she asked when I was going to come pick her up to go do fun things with her and Roman. I told her that it was up to her mommy if I can come pick her up. I spoke to her mother, and she sounded better than ever. She told me that they were living in an apt designed to help provide her with the support she needed. She said that the kids were finally starting to feel like it is home. I heard Roman crying in the background asking for a sandwhich. I could almost see that sweet boys face, and I longed to hold him in my arms. The mother told me that Jaycee had found the photo album I had made for her and my phone number in the back. She told me that Jaycee talks about me almost every day. Then she said that she would have Jaycee call me in a couple days, and that was the end of the conversation. It was amazing. I cried the whole way home, and called my mom to tell her the story. It was a huge reminder from God that he has a plan for me, and part of this plan was to help these children. It wasn't a failure, and these children can make it. I pray that they will call again soon, and that I can regain the ability to mentor these sweet children.

Waiting for IVF

So here we are. We have handed over the $16,500 with at least $4,000 more after the pharmacy robs us. We have spent endless minutes on the phone trying to find the cheapest prices for my infertility drugs. It was a less than efficient endeavor, and I am not convinced that we got the best deal. However eventually you just have to cough up the cash or credit in our case. I had the trial transfer earlier this month. I had convinced myself that it would be painful like the HSG test, but the only painful part was my full bladder. We also met our doctor. She was your typical super intellectual doc, very thorough, dry, and converses clinically only. If she were to crack a smile I am sure it would only be at her own jokes. I wonder why doctors like this choose this profession. It must be the innovation of IVF, because I don't believe it has anything to do with creating cute fussy babies or making dreams come true for many couples. Maybe it does, but they definetely don't show it. Either way she appears very competent to get the job done, but I don't expect a tears of joy and a big hug if we are sucessful. My regular RE on the otherhand seams to genuinly care about us. He is also competent, thorough, and engaged with the innovation of fertility treatments. That is why he will be doing all our monitoring prior to IVF. At this point I can give up the bedside manners to get this over with, and put it behind us. Believe it or not I can't wait to start injecting myself again. Anything is better than taking birth control everyday. Waiting from Dec 27th (day 3 labs) to Feb 16 (retrival date) is way too long! I am starting to dream again about nurserys, baby names, and the potential for twins. It is so tempting to start buying little baby outfits, baby magazines, and the ever famous "What to Expect When Your Expecting". That fat book haunts me every time I walk into the local book store. Today I went to Borders books to cash in my christmas gift cards. I wandered over to the infertility section and realized that I have read every book, and I am certain there is nothing new to learn. I longed for an autobiography from a women like me, my age, and about to go through IVF, but guess what no one has written that book yet. Maybe I will someday. So I decided to wander over to the pregnancy section, because I am feeling hopeful lately. My eyes fell upon the "what to expect when you are expecting" book and I looked at it and thought. Some people find out they are pregnant out of the blue and that day they walk in to the book store and buy the book. I have to wait years to buy my book. I deserve my own signed special edition by the time I get one. A pregnancy journal sits on the shelf right next to "what to expect when your expecting". I looked at the journal and thought,"what will my pregnancy journal look like?". Will it include our infertility story? Will it be full of morning sickness and fatigue? I pulled the journal off the shelf and ran my fingers over the pages thinking that in one month I could return to buy this book. I wouldn't want to buy it prematurely so I will wait. I settled for the latest buy one get one half off fiction to hopefully take my mind off this big waiting period. I saved $25 on my gift card so I can return later to buy that big fat book. Then I can start learning about pregnancy instead of infertility. I can see the day now. Day one pregnancy schedule: 1. stop at book store to buy pregnancy books 2. go buy an expensive onesie from a designer shop 3. visit Motherhood maternity shop and try on clothes with the prothesis belly 4. figure out how to tell family about the great news ( don't worry I have at least 10 ways already dreamed up) 5. Spend endless hours picking out everything for the babies room 6. read about pregnancy 7. calculate my due date online (for real this time) 8. buy a baby name book and pick out names with Jason (not that we don't already have them, but for the experience) 9. Take a picture of my belly 10. Praise God Praise God Praise God!