Waiting for IVF

So here we are. We have handed over the $16,500 with at least $4,000 more after the pharmacy robs us. We have spent endless minutes on the phone trying to find the cheapest prices for my infertility drugs. It was a less than efficient endeavor, and I am not convinced that we got the best deal. However eventually you just have to cough up the cash or credit in our case. I had the trial transfer earlier this month. I had convinced myself that it would be painful like the HSG test, but the only painful part was my full bladder. We also met our doctor. She was your typical super intellectual doc, very thorough, dry, and converses clinically only. If she were to crack a smile I am sure it would only be at her own jokes. I wonder why doctors like this choose this profession. It must be the innovation of IVF, because I don't believe it has anything to do with creating cute fussy babies or making dreams come true for many couples. Maybe it does, but they definetely don't show it. Either way she appears very competent to get the job done, but I don't expect a tears of joy and a big hug if we are sucessful. My regular RE on the otherhand seams to genuinly care about us. He is also competent, thorough, and engaged with the innovation of fertility treatments. That is why he will be doing all our monitoring prior to IVF. At this point I can give up the bedside manners to get this over with, and put it behind us. Believe it or not I can't wait to start injecting myself again. Anything is better than taking birth control everyday. Waiting from Dec 27th (day 3 labs) to Feb 16 (retrival date) is way too long! I am starting to dream again about nurserys, baby names, and the potential for twins. It is so tempting to start buying little baby outfits, baby magazines, and the ever famous "What to Expect When Your Expecting". That fat book haunts me every time I walk into the local book store. Today I went to Borders books to cash in my christmas gift cards. I wandered over to the infertility section and realized that I have read every book, and I am certain there is nothing new to learn. I longed for an autobiography from a women like me, my age, and about to go through IVF, but guess what no one has written that book yet. Maybe I will someday. So I decided to wander over to the pregnancy section, because I am feeling hopeful lately. My eyes fell upon the "what to expect when you are expecting" book and I looked at it and thought. Some people find out they are pregnant out of the blue and that day they walk in to the book store and buy the book. I have to wait years to buy my book. I deserve my own signed special edition by the time I get one. A pregnancy journal sits on the shelf right next to "what to expect when your expecting". I looked at the journal and thought,"what will my pregnancy journal look like?". Will it include our infertility story? Will it be full of morning sickness and fatigue? I pulled the journal off the shelf and ran my fingers over the pages thinking that in one month I could return to buy this book. I wouldn't want to buy it prematurely so I will wait. I settled for the latest buy one get one half off fiction to hopefully take my mind off this big waiting period. I saved $25 on my gift card so I can return later to buy that big fat book. Then I can start learning about pregnancy instead of infertility. I can see the day now. Day one pregnancy schedule: 1. stop at book store to buy pregnancy books 2. go buy an expensive onesie from a designer shop 3. visit Motherhood maternity shop and try on clothes with the prothesis belly 4. figure out how to tell family about the great news ( don't worry I have at least 10 ways already dreamed up) 5. Spend endless hours picking out everything for the babies room 6. read about pregnancy 7. calculate my due date online (for real this time) 8. buy a baby name book and pick out names with Jason (not that we don't already have them, but for the experience) 9. Take a picture of my belly 10. Praise God Praise God Praise God!