Our Instant Family

We have been doing foster care now for 4 years. We have had over 20 children in our home, with 6 of them more long term. We have often thought about the potential option to adopt one of these children, but it had never come up. All of the children returned to their biological parents or relatives. In March I received a call from an Anoka social worker requesting us to do respite care for an Olmsted county child. He had been living with grandma for a year in Anoka county, and she was in need of a respite break. I agreed, and we set up an appointment to meet the child and grandma. They came to our house for an hour or so. Lindsay was here to spend the weekend with us. This was the day after we had heard we were not pregnant, and the day before we found out that the lab was wrong. Wow! I just realized the significance of this date. Little did I know that at the time I was grieving the loss of not being pregnant the Lord had a much, much bigger plan. He not only had given me life through pregnancy, but my little boy had just walked through the door. Anyways, the meeting went well. Grandma had told us about her grandson's journey into her home, and how she almost gave him up for adoption before. She said she didn't feel right about the family for several reasons.

Upon the first date of respite Grandma was nervous. She wasn't sure how he would do with us, and if we were up for it. However, she realized on this day that we were Christains. She then said, "Oh, now I can relax, because I know he is in a good Christian home." She ended up sleeping in until 10 am the next morning because of the peace that was upon her. He trived in our home, and I this is where I first thought that maybe she would ask us to adopt him.

Over the next few weeks Grandma and I talked and she began to ask many questions that no other relative had asked us before. Such as... "How long have you been married? and Who is the softee?" I kept preparing Jason. I think she may be trying to tell me something. HOwever, I didn't want to offer to adopt him and offend her in the process. So I prayed about it, and waited for God's timing.

Last week Grandma called me and was particularily upset with the huge task of motherhood at 57. I comforted her tears, and listened to her concerns. She told me that she was going to postpone the adoption. She also said that the county suggested placing him back in foster care and allowing her to just be Grandma. She did not think this was a good idea. I thought,"ok Lord, this must be my door". I then told her that Jason and I would be willing to adopt him, and allow her to remain in his life as well. She burst into more tears and said, " I was praying that the Lord would place this on your heart." Without coming to a firm decision we ended the conversation. However, by the next day she called me and told me that she felt at peace, and that God had brought this all together. She made plans to tell the social worker, and I made plans to dive in deep with the Lord and with Jason. Jason and I stayed up late discussing our fears and excitement. Within days the Lord placed peace and gratitude in our hearts, and allowed us to begin celebrating with sheer joy.

Last Friday Grandma told the social worker about our plans. The Lord's favor shined again. The social worker was thrilled. She wanted to move quickly to transition our little boy into our home over the next 6 weeks ( I was anticipating months). We will meet with her next week to set up the plans.

This weekend our parents will be introduced to our little boy. The anticipation of Friday is almost unbearable. I can't wait to introduce him to our family. I especially can't wait to hold him in my arms for the first time and know that he is my son. NOt just a boy who will stay for awhile and leave again. He will be our forever child, and we will be his forever home.

(As soon as I know it is legal to post his name I will)

11 weeks 6 days

Jason took this picture about a week ago at 11weeks. This is when I began to notice my waistline was getting thicker, and the pants a little snug. A few people that know me well said they can see a little bump as well. It is so exciting to start seeing the changes. For the first time in my life I am not as consious about how thin my waistline feels. It is liberating.

I am still eating to get by. Not much sounds good. I have days that I think I am over the all day nausea, and then it comes back again. I am hoping that 12 weeks (tomorrow) is the magic date to eliviate the first trimester symptoms.

On Friday we will go see our OBGYN to hear the babies heartbeat for the first time!

8 Weeks 5 days

So I am feeling quite tired and nauseated most of the day. I started taking B6 vitamins for nausea, and I think it is helping. Trying to find things to eat that sound good. Breakfast: cereal and a banana. Snack: Ritz crackers. Lunch: mac and cheese. Snack: 2 apples (oooh the first one was just so good!). Dinner: cocoa wheats and toast. Bedtime snack: ???? I thought I could do mind over matter when it comes to healthy foods, but now I have realized that I have to give the belly what it wants. Otherwise it might just come back up. I am detesting all red meat, seafood, and all strong smells/flavors. I prefer fruit, baked potatoes, pasta, sweets. I crave sleep more than anything. I am working on increasing my calories and rest times. I hopefully will regain enough time to exercise soon. Work has been outrageously busy with travel and computer problems! I go to the ob nurse educator this Friday. Should be interesting. I have also been having crazy dreams every night. I believe it is related to all the hormones. Here is the picture from the 7 week 5 day ultrasound. At the ultrasound we saw heartbeat. Baby was upside down, and it wasn't until I turned the picture upside down that I was able to make out the baby. Therefore, I scanned the picture upside down so you could see it better too. I am thinking it is a girl, but who knows.

March 26th

So the small black spot is our baby at 5 weeks 5 days (March 16th). It was very reassuring to see our baby. We were even able to see the beginnings of a heartbeat. It was very helpful for me to see that the baby was tucked way in the back of the uterus. Therefore the baby could not escape. Silly the things a mother thinks about. For Jason seeing the ultrasound allowed him to experience a new reality. He was very excited! After this appointment I was officially able to go off of all my invitro medications. This was a huge step for me, as I was very tired of taking medications for so long.

Since the ultrasound I have experienced many changes. I definitely feel pregnant. I yawn all day long and welcome any naps I can get. I have mild to moderate nausea throughout the day but no vomiting so far. I am glad, because I am able to continue traveling for work. I have troubles deciding what foods sounds good to me. I do know that things like red meat and fish sound gross just thinking about it. I enjoy eating bland cereals, milkshakes, pasta, and fruit. I haven't gained any weight, but I am sure that will change soon. We had a fabulous trip to Florida. I was able to get lots of rest, relaxation and time in the sun. I was even able to enjoy crab legs before seafood became a food I now detest. It was fun talking to my mom and Nina about what they remember from their pregnancies and deliveries.

On Monday we go back to our reproductive endocrinologist for an 8 week ultrasound. I think we will also be able to hear the heartbeat.

My Visit to Jason & Krystal's

For the past couple weeks I had made plans with Jason and Krystal to come stay a nice long weekend from Thursday to Sunday with them, well aware this was around the same time that they would find out if they were expecting. Of course I was excited! The possibility that I would walk into their home and Jason says to me, "Lindsay, you're going to be an aunt," was a constant thought that ran through my head this past week. Well Thursday came as fast as I could hope and off I was from my apartment in Alexandria, to Jason and Krystal's house with butterflies in my stomach. As I was filling my car up with gas, however, I got a phone call from my mom. She asked if I was on my way to Jason's yet and I told her that I was. Then she preceded to tell me the bad news..."they aren't pregnant. Dad called me this morning and told me some little details but not much. I just wanted to let you know before you went there." I was completely shocked. I asked my mom a ton of questions. She couldn't answer, no one could. I cried for them on my drive down. I just didn't understand, but I wasn't going to make it hard for Jason and Krystal so I put on a strong face and continued on my way until I arrived.

Thursday night came and went, and the three of us had a nice, relaxing evening at home. And so it was Friday morning. I woke up to see Krystal only for a little while before she went to her business luncheon. It didn't even occur to me that she had already been to the doctor. I would soon find out the results of the second lab test, just as Jason did. I was doing homework on the table as Krystal called up to Jason to help her with some boxes. He went. Completely oblivious to what could possibly be going on, Jason repeated to me the same request after a little time had past. So down the stairs I went and out the garage door to see a tiny bear with a bib around his neck that read 'I Love Daddy,' and balloons wrapped around it's collar. I was confused and shocked as I teared up. This was the miracle Jason was talking about earlier. It truly was. I was so proud of Jason and Krystal for all their strength and courage. God definitely saw their struggle and decided it was over. Off to Iowa we were!

And now the fun begins....Never being a parent myself, I had no idea how much fun it was going to be to tell the parents that they were going to be grandparents!! What an adrenaline rush. The entire drive down to Roger and Soni's was filled with planning and plotting on how to surprise them. Fortunately for us Roger and Soni always find their way to a bar and restaurant every Friday night for a slice of pizza. This would be the location. The plan: Have the waitress bring Roger and Soni each a bear with a bib that said, 'I Love Grandpa, and I Love Grandma.' What a shock that would be. The action: First, we called Roger and Soni's house, twice from my cell, to see if they were out. Second, we called the restaurant to get them in on the idea. Then, we drove through the parking lot to make sure their car was definitely there. So far so good. We entered the bar side first and meet up with the manager, who we previously talked to. We also talked to the waitress and told her what to do. Everything was a go until the waitress came back and shared with us that Soni was up talking to someone she knew. And then the wait....The three of us stood at the bar and waited for the waitress to come back and tell us that Soni sat down. We waited some more...It seemed like it was hours later (it was probably only about 15 minutes) when the waitress finally came back and said ok. We did have to hurry this by having the manager tell Soni her food was ready (hehe). And the rest is history....caught on tape...(the video starts out sideways)

And now for the other parents....My mom and dad had been planning on coming Saturday night and staying at Jason and Krystal's also. Since we stayed the night in Forest City we needed to make an excuse to make sure that they didn't arrive before we had a chance to get back and get situated. So Friday night on the way back to Roger and Soni's house I called my mom to ask when her and dad were planning on heading out on Saturday. She said she was thinking around noon or so but wasn't certain and that they could leave later if need be. Well watching the weather lately there had been some talk about snow in the Twin City area, we ran with that idea! So I told my mom that we had heard the snow was gonna hit the Ramsey area around 2 p.m. so they should definitely plan on leaving at noon in order to get there around 1:30. She agreed. The timing was set. Saturday morning we got up and hit the road around 10:30 and made it back by 12:40 after a quick trip to target to get some more bibs and bears! On this road trip was when we brainstormed ideas as well. Jason came up with a "fool proof" plan, but Krystal and I decided that it was actually just boring.

The plan decided on: Decorate the garage with streamers and signs so that when they open it we can be standing inside. As we got closer Jason called mom to see where they were at so we could approximate how much time we would have to decorate the garage. He ended the call by telling them to come in through the garage door. It turned out we didn't have a huge amount of time, or so we thought! The action: First, we moved the cars so everything was wide and open to see. Second, blue and pink streamers were torn and taped to anywhere we thought necessary. Then, I wrote out two big signs, 'LAB WAS WRONG and WE -R- PREGNANT!' Next Jason set up the two puppies (Target didn't have anymore bears) in their 'Grandma and Grandpa' bibs on the trunk of the car. Finally, with time drawing close we began the wait. And wait. And wait. (I bet if they would have known what we were planning to tell them both sets of parents probably wouldn't have made us wait!) That was tough! About 20 minutes longer than they said they were going to be and different ideas from all of us of what happened, "they stopped to eat, the car broke down, they weren't even in Buffalo..." Jason looking through the peep hole and me at the top of the steps through the window saw them pull in. We ran into the garage and the camera began rolling...

Jason and Krystal,

Thanks for letting me be apart of a very special weekend. I love you two! Congratulations!

Love, Lindsay

Friday March 6th

I wanted to turn off my alarm and skip my early morning pregnancy test, but eventually I made myself get up and throw on some clothes. The new nurse drew my blood, and it really hurt this time. I was so sick of being poked! On the way out Patty said in a sympathetic voice, "I will call you again with the results. Well, we'll see." I couldn't get out of there fast enough as I could feel the overwhelming sadness for me in the office. As quick as I could I got ready for work and headed to my business lunch in Edina. As I was meeting my sales rep in the parking lot and picking up bags of Chili's catering my phone rang. It was the doctors office. We were late for our lunch, but I figured the call would only take a second to hear the results.

(Meanwhile, Jason called my mom. He shared the bad news and said, "It would take a miracle to be positive today.")

Nurse Patty asked me where I was as though she was preparing me for more bad news. I told her I was in a parking lot, but it didn't matter. She then began to tell me, "Well there was something wrong with the lab machine on Wednesday. Your results were not accurate. In fact, your beta was 134 on Wednesday and it is 284 today. You are pregnant. These are nice healthy numbers for a singleton. I am sorry about the lab. The machine..." I interrupted her and said, "I don't care! All I care about is the real results. Oh my! I believe in miracles!" I began to cry out in total joy. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Patty went on to explain future appointments and what medications I should keep taking. I was so overwhelmed. Finally she said, "Are you listening to me?" I replied in tears, "NO!". She told me to call her later if I had any questions. I proceeded to sit through my 2 hour business lunch completely distracted. I was dreaming about how I would tell Jason the news. Afterwards I raced through traffic to the party store and target. I picked up a teddy bear and placed a bib around his neck that said, "I Love Daddy." I got pink and blue balloons and a mylar balloon of a baby that I attached to the bear. I could not get home fast enough. I had never felt adrenaline like that!

I pulled in the garage and placed the bear and balloons on the hood of my car. I hollered into the house, "Jason, will you come help me bring in some boxes?" He came down the stairs and started telling me a story. I interrupted him and told him we could talk after we brought the boxes inside. He opened the door and immediately saw my surprise. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped. Tears welled up in his eyes and he said, "Are you kidding me." I told him that the lab was wrong and that we are pregant. The rest is blurry. Hugs, kissed, tears, rejoicing!

We then suprised Jason's sister Lindsay, who was visiting us, by asking her to also come help with the boxes. She too was shocked and looked very confused. Immediately we packed up and headed to Iowa to tell my parents. Lindsay will be blogging later to share her thoughts and the videos of when we suprised our parents.

Wednesday March 4th

On Wednesday morning I eagerly went to the doctor to do a blood pregnancy test. I was a little doubtful as I wasn't feeling any symptoms of being pregnant, and the hormone injection symptoms that mock pregnancy were wearing off. I was trying my best to be hopeful. We were originally told that we would not see the results of this first pregnancy test, but my nurse said she would call and tell me if I wanted to know. OF COURSE I DID! I was super excited, because then I could really surprise Jason if it was positive. After the lab I ran around shopping waiting for the call. Then the nurse called and said, "I am sorry Krystal. The numbers aren't good at all. I don't think you are pregnant. Again, I am so sorry." I was stunned. Home alone now, I fell to the floor and let my emotions go. I could not believe that it didn't work. I wondered if it would ever work. I cried out to God asking him..."why God? What is your plan in this. This is more than I can handle Lord." I spent the rest of the day on the couch trying to imagine how I can pick myself up and do this all over again. Ug! I didn't want to do this again. I questioned if we were just meant to adopt or if we would remain a childless couple. I asked God to show me something. Give me direction. Tell me what I was to do before he would answer our prayers for a child. Nothing...

By Thursday I was feeling better or perhaps I was just trying to avoid feeling. I looked at the pictures of our embryo babies on the frig and I was tempted to throw the pictures away. I decided not to. I chose to hang on to the small hope that they may still have a chance. I absorbed myself in work and booked several business trips for the month. I had moderate menstrual cramps that night, and I thought to myself, "well I might as well get my period over with". But I didn't get my period. I didn't really want to set my alarm to get up early again to drive to the doctor for the final pregnancy test, but I did it anyways.

Friday Feb 27th

Friday Feb 27th

Last Friday we received a letter from the embryologist regarding the status of our 9 remaining embryos. It is one of those generic letters where they just fill in the blank. Unfortunately the letter said ___0___ embryos qualified to be frozen. We were stunned! We couldn't believe that none of the 9 embryos made it. The letter wasn't the best way to find out, because you couldn't ask any questions. So then Jason and I were speculating... Did they make a mistake? Do we have some strange genetic problem? If these 9 embryos didn't make it; why would the 2 they put in me make it? The worst part was knowing that if this cycle didn't work I would have to start all over again with the injections to make more eggs. I didn't even know how that would work into my busy work schedule again, and we really didn't want to fork out another $3000 for more medications and monitoring. It was a disapointing day, and for the first time we were starting to think that things may not turn out so good. We still don't know why the embryos didn't make it, and eventually we will have that discussion with the embryologists.

Embryos are safe and sound!

"The outter layer of cells will eventually form the placenta. The inner cells are the begining of our babies. The dark outter circle will hatch open within the next couple of days and then the embryos will hopefully attach to the uterine wall."

I am very proud to announce that these are the very first pictures of our two embryo babies. The embryologist said that these two embryos are above average blastocysts. Jason and I were in love the minute we saw this picture. It is truly a miracle. For so long we have wanted to create a life and here they were. It is so amazing. We also have 9 other embryos still developing in the lab. If they meet a certain criteria in the next couple days they will be frozen for future use. These two embryos were uneventfully placed in my uterus at 10:10 am today. I was very giddy and tipsy throughout the proceedure, because I had taken two valium. It made the whole experience very humorous and enjoyable. In fact, the doctor called me a cheap date. I passed out the whole way home and slept in my bed until 4 pm. I am now on bed rest until Wednesday morning. It is incredible to think that right now, for the first time ever there is life developing inside of me. We should know in a couple weeks if these embryos have continued to develop into a clinical pregnancy. I can't wait to start planning our life around these little babies.

Egg Retrieval Success!!! Praise the Lord!

This morning I went in for my egg retrieval. I was put under anesthesia, and had a very nice nap. My nurse anesthetist was amazing and gave me a nice anti-nausea cocktail in addition to the regular stuff. Jason had the opportunity to sit in the OR while I was under. Jason was able to watch as the removed 18 EGGS and then placed them into test tubes. This put us well over the recommended 12 eggs, and explained why I was feeling so full. I recovered well and as usual I repeated the same questions over and over and struggled to make much sense for the first hour. Jason was able to take me home and I took a long nap. Since then I have been relaxing on the couch. Besides feeling weak and tired I feel great.

Meanwhile the embryologists is working to put Jason's sperm with my 18 eggs. We will know on Friday afternoon the status of embryo development. Due to the large amount of eggs they think that the embryos won't be ready until next Monday. Then I will go back in to have them implanted in my uterus. We are planning on implanting 2 embryos. If embryo development goes well we should have several left over to freeze.

We are very excited with the results thus far. Now we have to wait for our little embryo babies to grow. It is very weird to think that conception is occurring in the laboratory and that our babies will sit in an incubator for their first few days. I can't wait until they are safely placed back in their mommy. Thanks for all your prayers, phone calls, and support!

I will be back into the doctor on Friday to make sure my ovaries are not hyperstimulating. I am at an increased risk due to the large amount of eggs, and it usually occurs in the first week or so following ovulation. We are praying that I will not have any hyperstimulation complications in the next couple weeks ahead.

Wednesday is go time

Today I went back to the doctor to check hormone levels and follicle growth. I had 13 large follicles (goal was 12) and several smaller follicles. They told me I was all set for what looks to be a sucessful invitro cycle. I was able to stop my stimulating injections, and at 10:15pm (on the dot) I gave myself my HCG shot. This shot will stimulate ovulation to occur for the egg retrival wednesday at 10:15 am.

I kept myself very busy today in order to make the time go by faster. I was busy with work and then getting up to speed on my new teaching job. I was off to the doctor this morning by 7:45 am and I didn't get home until 6pm. The day flew by. I am trying to figure out how to do this again tomorrow. That way it will be Wednesday before I know it. It seems like we have been waiting forever. It was a long weekend. I am bruised from all the shots and seriously bloated! Today they measured my ovaries at 6cm, which explains why I am feeling so large. Some how running around the city in a business suit just doesn't seem to fit my expanding waistline, but sitting at home relaxing on the couch makes the time go by painfully slow.

Needless to say, we are so ready for Wednesday morning!

Day 10 update and time for a second job!

We went to the doctor this morning. We slept through out alarm and had only 10 minutes to get ready. I think we were really tired. Last night we went out to Pitsburg Blue Steakhouse and indulged ourselves. We were able to arrange an overnight for A***** with her mom in order to have our first night out in two months. It was very enjoyable, and we took our time at the restaurant.

So today we had an ultrasound and blood work to check our progress. I had 8 large follicles still with 2 more potentials. I also had 13 smaller eggs. NO wonder I am feeling full. The doctor likes to see 10-12 eggs so we are pretty much on track. They did however potentially push back our retrieval date to next wednesday. I have to go back in on Monday to get the final date (tues or wed).

After our appointment we took Grandma Dee out for her bday brunch. It was fun to be able to have time with her on her bday. She was very excited for us, and thinks that twins would be a splendid bonus!

More waiting!

I was offered a part time teaching position at Metro State, and I start on Monday. I will be teaching pathophysiology for nursing. I fell into this opportunity, and I am very excited. This extra cash should help us to pay off the invitro debt. This is a miracle, because I recently asked the Lord to show me additional streams of income. It was God to get a part time teaching job, because the semester has already started. It turns out that the prof unexpectedly quit and they are in a hurry to find a replacement. I decided last week to just call and check potential opportunities. The nursing dept secretary said, "You couldn't have called at a better time. I will connect you with the dean immediately." They also offered me several teaching opportunities for the summer session. Jason is a little concerned that it will be too much for me, but I think I am up for it. I have been feeling that it is really important for me to keep my foot in the nursing world.

day 6 of injections

Today was day 6 of injections. I went to the doctor this morning to have an ultrasound and a blood draw. I had several good follicles (potentially 8) and several smaller follicles so far. I am excited and can't wait for next week. We will go back to the doctor on Saturday to see check the progress via ultrasound. On saturday we will actually go to the RMIA (invitro) clinic. This will be good, because we will be able to ask more questions prior to the big day. This afternoon I went with my friend Sarah to buy a new sweatsuit to wear to my surgery day. I wanted something comfortable and newer to wear. I also found a swimsuit cover up for our march florida trip in case my bikini days are on hold for awhile. When I got home Jason was busy making dinner and feeding our friends 4 month old baby girl. We babysit for them occasionally. I looked at her without an ounce of jealosy, because I know it won't be long until I will be holding my own baby. I held her in my arms and played with A*****. I thought how wonderful the interactions are between toddlers and infants. A***** loves babies and constantly wants to feed the baby and change her diaper. As I watched the interactions I thought.... I know mothers complain about how hectic a toddler and an infant are, but it is motherhood at it's best. You get to spend so much time together; bonding and discovering eachother. I hope that I will be lucky enough to have the opportunity someday to stay home all day caring for my baby and toddler. To drop everything else in life and just focus on the little ones. It is truly a blessed time in a mothers life, and this is what I long for someday. I don't care if the baby screams all day, and the jealous toddler demands to be held constantly. I promise I will see the positive and cherish every moment.

My thoughs on the mother of octuplets

First of all I must relieve all fears that I will end up with octuplets. This won't happen and my doctors wouldn't allow it even if I was crazy enough to do it. All doctors that I have researced in MN, WI, IA and Canada will only put a maximum of 3 embryos in at a time. I am curious to know what kind of opperation they are running in Cali. I have heard that they placed 6 embryos in this women and that she demanded that they did despite warning her of the risks involved. Then I would assume that two of the embryos split to become twins (this is very rare). Either way I think that this woman was very selfish in making this decision. It is extremely rare that these children survived at all, and it will be amazing if they grow without medical conditions. The health risks alone are insurmountable let alone the mothers potential inability to care for 14 children as a single mother. I also wonder if they complete psych evaluations in cali. Every invitro program that I researched required a psych evaluation prior to the proceedure. I question if she had this done at all and if so how she passed. Above all I think she gives the infertility community a bad reputation. I feel for John and Kate, reproductive endocrinologists and the entire infertility community. This case definetely does not support best practices. In fact most high order multiples (more than 3) occur with artificial insemination not with invitro. I wish some infertility expert would set the record straight in the media as to why this should have never happened. I was listening to talk radio the other day and a woman called in with some strong opinions about invitro fertilization. I didn't get to call in to say my peace so here is my response to what she said.

"I think that people who do invitro should only be allowed to put in 1 embryo and if it doesn't work that is too bad"

My response: placing only 1 embryo can greatly decrease the sucess rates. Doctors generally determine the number of embryos to inplant based on quality of the embryos and the age of the mother. Placing 2 or 3 embryos is the most economical and safe way with proven positive results.

"I bet that doctors make more money for implanting more embryos"

My response: So wrong honey! Actually doctors generally charge per invitro proceedure regardless of the number of embryos implanted. There for if you only put in 1 embryo at a time and it took more proceedures to reach pregnancy than it would cost the patient more. Also doctors often judge and compare practices by high pregnancy rates in addition to low rates of multiples. Doctors do not want high order multiples (more than 3) as this reflects poorly on their practice.

Progress Report

7:45 am drive to doctor to check hormone levels
8:15 am take Lupron injection, Follistim injection, Menopur injection, 1 doxicycline pill, 1 baby asprin, 1 prenatal vitamin
9am drive to St. Cloud for work
3pm arrive home exhausted: called to cancel personal trainer for the next two weeks.

Doctors orders say no more strenuous activity, but I am too tired anyways. I don't remember these medications making me so sleepy the last time. I was lucky to be able to take frequent naps all weekend while we were in Iowa. We got last minute permission to take A***** (our foster daughter) across state lines to visit mom and dad. It was such a nice weekend. We relaxed alot and ate lots of good food. A***** had so much fun with mom's stuffed penguins and petting dads stuffed carribou/moose. All the way home she asked, "where Roger?... where moose?". She is really starting to thrive with us.

Besides feeling tired all the time I have had minimal side effects. I have a few hot flashes, but not too many. By wednesday I will probably start to feel the ovaries expanding, but I like that because then I know it is working. We will ultrasound on thursday to check the folicle (contain eggs) growth progress. I feel like every day we are getting closer and closer to starting our new life as bio parents. Both Jason and I are totally at peace with what lies ahead. Next Tuesday is the tentative egg retrieval date and then embryos will be implanted 3-5 days later. Mom is coming up to help when I am on bedrest for the two days following embryo implantation. I am looking forward to knitting, writing, reading in bed for two days. I am just trying to find a bell that I can use to ring Jason. HE HE!

Critical Review of my Thesis

So yesterday I picked up my spiral bound thesis project from the Bethel print center. 1 1/2 years of work to produce this final project that brought finality to my masters education. I selected the topic of "Effective Support for Families with Issues of Infertility: What can Nursing Do". This was a difficult decision to make, but at the time I was convinced that before long I would be pregnant and that this would be a nice gift to give back to the infertility community. Ha! I laugh at that now. I thought that at least by the time I presented my research symposium poster in May of 2008 I would be sporting a cute prego bulg and reflecting on the difficulties of infertility. However that wasn't the case. Instead, I stood next to my poster with a t-shirt that read "I will be a mother". I had to make a faith statement to get me through that day. My poster tied for first place and took second place based on a bias tiebreaker judge (a male that looked at my poster for 2 seconds). Oh well. That May I thought for sure I would be pregnant by the time I completed my research. Instead, here I am done with the research, but not done with my infertility. I know there is a greater purpose for my research, and I wonder if I would have been as dedicated if I had become pregant. I think if I was preganant I would have wanted to disown the topic of infertility as a fragment of my past. I also think that by going through almost all infertility treatments I now have a better understanding of what infertile patients go through. My hardships were very different when I was at the OB office taking Clomid and having surgery to check for endometriosis. My stress and support resources changed again when I went to my RE for shots and inseminations. That time was when I felt the biggests highs and lows. I went through different stresses when we took a break and contemplated IVF or adoption. I probably hit the lowest point early this winter when I realized the time, money, and physical commitments it would take to undergo IVF. Now, I am experiencing a sense of peace, and I am not worried about the outcome of IVF. Each one of these phases of infertility taught me something very different about myself and my relationship with Jason.

My thesis advisor has encouraged me to publish my research. It sounds like a lot of work, but I really should. I will begin looking for a journal to publish in soon. For the most part my research focuses on the role of social support networks for the infertile family, and the role of the nurse in fostering these support networks. My research encourages nurses to provide support from the begining (in the OBGYN office) instead of waiting until IVF proceedures (when they mandate a psych eval). I remembered how difficult it was sitting in those OBGYN offices with pregnant women, newborns, and a stack of the latest baby magazines. Then talking to the nurse/doctor about my infertily. Nobody asked me how I was handling this delay in pregnancy, and no support resources were offered to me. This is something that could easily be changed and would require little money. I also remember when I was in the RE office after getting my period. We had failed another insemination. I had an ultra sound to see if I had developed cysts on my ovaries. Immediately I saw the cyst on the ultrasound. I knew that big ovaries with cysts meant taking a month off. My nurse looked at me and said, "you know the drill. Do you want pills or the nuvaring (birth control options)." It was probably the worst thing she could have said, because you never get use to the "drill". I cried alone in the car that day. I am hoping that by publishing my research infertile patients will be able to receive better support throughout their treatment process from family, friends, doctors, nurses, and community members.

Let the Games Begin!!!!!

Today is day two of my IVF protocol. I now take the Lupron shot in the morning along with a prenatal vitamin and a baby asprin. At night I take a birth control pill and a decadron. I haven't noticed any side effects yet. I was told that the combination of Lupron and birth control would make me menopausal. So far so good! Praise God!

I am getting ready to travel to Orlando for work next week. I am excited to have to opportunity to go to a sunny place and to stay very busy until my next doctors appointment. I have been very dedicated lately to working out and eating right. I want my body to be ready for pregnancy. I have done this before in preparation for pregnancy, but then gave up when I realized it wasn't helping. So with the combination of hormones, emotional rollercoasters, a new sedentary job, the holidays, fertility diets (which consist of high fat dairy!), and "not caring because I will be pregnant soon anyways", I have managed to tack on a few extra pounds over the last couple years. It is time to get serious! For the last 3 weeks I have been going to the gym religiously and eating better. I hired a trainer, but he looked a little nervous when I mentioned IVF and possible high risk pregnancy. However, he said he was up for the challenge. I have regained my motivation. However, I am slightly afraid that it wasn't soon enough. Honestly, I need another month to get to the place I need to be. Oh well. At least I am getting into a routine now so that I can maintain a healthy lifestyle during my future pregnancy. When I start the Follistim on 2/6 I will have to cut back on the strenuous exercise and stick to walking on the treadmill. The last time I was on follistim I ran to my car to escape the freezing cold, and I felt my ovaries bouncing around inside of me. I told my RE and he scolled me and sentanced me to no more than a slow paced walk for 2 weeks. I learned then that when the ovaries are that big (the size of twinkies) they could rupture under stress. Yikes!

Anyway, our foster child A***** is doing very well. She is starting to say so many words and funny sayings. She is eating constantly and sleeping more. I think this means she is in a growth spurt. She loves to eat ice cream every night before bed. When I get home from work she meets me at the steps and then says "clothes, mommy?". Then she leads me to my room and helps me pick out some cozy clothes to wear. When I put her to bed I sing "twinkle, twinkle, little star, Jesus Loves Me, and If Your Happy and YOu know It." Every night she pulls her pacifier out of her mouth and says, "sing, mommy, sing". It is so sweet. She has even started to sing along with me. Although she says "Chesse" instead of "Jesus". Her favorite song is "If Your Happy and You know It", because she loves the actions. SHe has stopped crying and crawling out of her be for awhile now, and never wakes up in the middle of the night. I think the bedtime bonding routine was the trick!

Tomorrow I will be getting my hair done. It is time to take out my extensions, and cut my hair off. I decided it is time to return to a mommy haircut (short, cute, and easy).

God's plan: he provides reassurance

Today I received the best call! I was on my way home from singing in the choir. During choir pastor (uncle) Tim prayed that we would make the lyrics real in our life. "all my ambitions and all my plans, I surrender to you". Tim said, "we can make plans and design our future, and they can be good things. But they may not be God's plan and future." I do believe in Gods plan in my life, and I have been thinking alot about our future. We had it all planned out, but we have been on hold for quite sometime now. However, in the mean time I try to believe we are living out God's bigger and better plan. That plan includes being foster parents. Last year we had two children (age 2 and 4) that lived with us for 2 1/2 months. I connected with them more than any other children we have had. I even had the opportunity to visit them a few times after they left to live with their Grandmother. I loved these children. I was not suprised that when they went to live with their mother I did not hear from them any more. I don't blame her. It is only human to want to be the only mother to her children. Lately I have been wondering if I make a difference as a foster parent. I have been wondering if any day now I will get a call to take the children back, because their mother has relapsed into drugs again. I have missed them. I wondered if they missed me. So on the way home from choir I received an unknown phone call. I person answered with a childish girl voice and asked for Jason. I thought it was some wierd prank or telamarketer. Then it clicked. It was Jaycee! I had almost hung up on her. When I realized it was her I said, "Jaycee is that you? It's Krystal" She asked, "You remember me?" I replied, "Of course I do. I miss you, and I think about you all the time. " We talked about her new apartment, and her fish that died. She was excited for kindergarten next year, and she asked when I was going to come pick her up to go do fun things with her and Roman. I told her that it was up to her mommy if I can come pick her up. I spoke to her mother, and she sounded better than ever. She told me that they were living in an apt designed to help provide her with the support she needed. She said that the kids were finally starting to feel like it is home. I heard Roman crying in the background asking for a sandwhich. I could almost see that sweet boys face, and I longed to hold him in my arms. The mother told me that Jaycee had found the photo album I had made for her and my phone number in the back. She told me that Jaycee talks about me almost every day. Then she said that she would have Jaycee call me in a couple days, and that was the end of the conversation. It was amazing. I cried the whole way home, and called my mom to tell her the story. It was a huge reminder from God that he has a plan for me, and part of this plan was to help these children. It wasn't a failure, and these children can make it. I pray that they will call again soon, and that I can regain the ability to mentor these sweet children.

Waiting for IVF

So here we are. We have handed over the $16,500 with at least $4,000 more after the pharmacy robs us. We have spent endless minutes on the phone trying to find the cheapest prices for my infertility drugs. It was a less than efficient endeavor, and I am not convinced that we got the best deal. However eventually you just have to cough up the cash or credit in our case. I had the trial transfer earlier this month. I had convinced myself that it would be painful like the HSG test, but the only painful part was my full bladder. We also met our doctor. She was your typical super intellectual doc, very thorough, dry, and converses clinically only. If she were to crack a smile I am sure it would only be at her own jokes. I wonder why doctors like this choose this profession. It must be the innovation of IVF, because I don't believe it has anything to do with creating cute fussy babies or making dreams come true for many couples. Maybe it does, but they definetely don't show it. Either way she appears very competent to get the job done, but I don't expect a tears of joy and a big hug if we are sucessful. My regular RE on the otherhand seams to genuinly care about us. He is also competent, thorough, and engaged with the innovation of fertility treatments. That is why he will be doing all our monitoring prior to IVF. At this point I can give up the bedside manners to get this over with, and put it behind us. Believe it or not I can't wait to start injecting myself again. Anything is better than taking birth control everyday. Waiting from Dec 27th (day 3 labs) to Feb 16 (retrival date) is way too long! I am starting to dream again about nurserys, baby names, and the potential for twins. It is so tempting to start buying little baby outfits, baby magazines, and the ever famous "What to Expect When Your Expecting". That fat book haunts me every time I walk into the local book store. Today I went to Borders books to cash in my christmas gift cards. I wandered over to the infertility section and realized that I have read every book, and I am certain there is nothing new to learn. I longed for an autobiography from a women like me, my age, and about to go through IVF, but guess what no one has written that book yet. Maybe I will someday. So I decided to wander over to the pregnancy section, because I am feeling hopeful lately. My eyes fell upon the "what to expect when you are expecting" book and I looked at it and thought. Some people find out they are pregnant out of the blue and that day they walk in to the book store and buy the book. I have to wait years to buy my book. I deserve my own signed special edition by the time I get one. A pregnancy journal sits on the shelf right next to "what to expect when your expecting". I looked at the journal and thought,"what will my pregnancy journal look like?". Will it include our infertility story? Will it be full of morning sickness and fatigue? I pulled the journal off the shelf and ran my fingers over the pages thinking that in one month I could return to buy this book. I wouldn't want to buy it prematurely so I will wait. I settled for the latest buy one get one half off fiction to hopefully take my mind off this big waiting period. I saved $25 on my gift card so I can return later to buy that big fat book. Then I can start learning about pregnancy instead of infertility. I can see the day now. Day one pregnancy schedule: 1. stop at book store to buy pregnancy books 2. go buy an expensive onesie from a designer shop 3. visit Motherhood maternity shop and try on clothes with the prothesis belly 4. figure out how to tell family about the great news ( don't worry I have at least 10 ways already dreamed up) 5. Spend endless hours picking out everything for the babies room 6. read about pregnancy 7. calculate my due date online (for real this time) 8. buy a baby name book and pick out names with Jason (not that we don't already have them, but for the experience) 9. Take a picture of my belly 10. Praise God Praise God Praise God!